Sunday, March 1, 2009

Make a list of fifteen scratchy things.

Sandpaper
A man's day-old beardface
Crumbs in bed
Sand in swimsuit
My blue wool socks
The much despised starched petticoats of my childhood
A pile of dry, but always inviting, autumn leaves
The plastic thread used for sewing clothes tags that scratch the nape of my neck
Rose bushes
My throat one day before a cold settles in
My bodywash salt scrub
Chicken pox
A green couch from my childhood made of some material that made my legs itch
Hangnails
Roof shingles

***
Quote of the day: She was upstairs flogging herself through the homestretch of Christmas prep. - Franzen. The Corrections.
Chosen because of the hilarious flogging image, seen through the eyes of a child who is at the mercy of the guilt-ridden mother compelled to put on the perfect holiday. You can just SEE the *eyeroll* of the writer.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Things I Found Interesting About our Senses

From the book "The Natural History of the Senses" by Diane Ackerman

We can detect over 10,000 different odors.

Both children and adults, just by smelling, are able to determine whether a piece of clothing was worn by a male or female.

Smell is the mute sense, the one without words. Lacking a vocabulary to describe smells, we are left tongue-tied and groping in a sea of inarticulate pleasure. We tend to describe how smells make us feel. If there are words for all the pastels in a hue, the lavenders, mauves, plums, and lilacs, who will name the tones and tints of a smell? It’s as if we were hypnotized en masse and told to selectively forget.

Violets contain ionone, which short-circuits our sense of smell. The flower continues to exude its fragrance but we lose the ability to smell it. Wait a minute or two, and its smell will blare again.

Because animal musk is so close to human testosterone, we can smell it in portions of as little as 0.00000000000032 of an ounce. Women who sniffed musk developed shorter menstrual cycles, ovulated more often, and found it easier to conceive.

Weighlessness makes astronauts lose taste and smell.

One of the real tests of writers, especially poets, is how well they write about smells.

In India, the word for “kiss” means “smell.”

Meat eaters smell different from vegetarians.

There is nothing headier than the musky smell of a loved one moist with sweat.

When a man gets involved with a woman for any length of time, his facial hair starts to grow faster. Women who are cloistered away from men enter puberty later than women who are around men.

Mothers can pick out shirts worn by their child. Not true for fathers, who do not recognize their infant’s smell, but men can determine whether a t-shirt has been worn by a male or female.

Only humans sneeze with their mouths open.

Perfumers always test on the left arm – it’s the warmer arm because it’s nearer the heart.

Lavender can wake up one’s metabolism and make one more alert.

The reason it’s easier to get our feet wet first when we brave an icy ocean is that there aren’t as many cold receptors in the feet as there are on, for example, the tip of the nose.

Among some Orthodox Jews, a young woman must cut off her hair when she marries, lest her husband find her too attractive and wish to have sex with her out of desire rather than for procreation.

Men go bald from a high level of testosterone in the blood, which is why you don’t see bald castrati or eunuchs.

We sense cold over a wider range of our body than we do heat. Far more women than men claim to have cold hands and feet.

We moan on humid days when the outside air temperatures reel close to 98.6, the body starts to lose track of itself and suffers. If it’s also humid, which means the air is saturated with water, we still sweat to cool off in the usual way, but nothing happens. The air is too soggy to allow sweat to evaporate.

Fully tattooed people live shorter lives, because their skin can’t breathe properly and some inks are poisonous.

A Japanese wearing the work of a grand tattoo master may donate his skin to a museum or university. Tokyo University has 300 such masterpieces, framed.

Part of the reason heroin addicts need more and more of the drug to get high is because that drug causes the body to produce less of its own endorphins and begins to depend on the heroin to take over their task.

Twenty minutes of aerobic exercise is enough to stimulate the body to produce more endorphins, natural painkillers.

Pain requires our full attention. A simple and effective pain relief comes from lateral inhibition. If you stub your toe, rub the area around it. The pain will subside in the mass confusion.

Women have slightly higher pain thresholds than men.

Roman poet Ovid said, “offered a sexless heaven, I’d say no thank you, women are such sweet hell.”

Most people have no idea what real vanilla extract tastes and smells like. Of all the foods grown domestically in the world, vanilla requires the most labor. Vanilla comes from the string-bean like pod of a climbing orchid. It’s only as the beans ferment to wrinkled, crackly brown pods that the white dots of vanillin crystallize mellowly on their outsides and that famous robust aroma starts to saturate the air. The vanilla orchid is pollinated by only one type of bee, the tiny Melipone. Only saffron is a more expensive spice.

Truffles contain twice as much androstenol, a male pig hormone, as would normally appear in a male pig. Boar pheromone is chemically very close to the human male hormone, which may be why we find truffles arousing too.

We can smell something only when it evaporates.

Our brains and nervous systems have led us to prefer certain intervals between sounds.

Part of what’s fascinating about creativity in any field is the author’s necessity to share it with, or impose it, on the world.

One Harvard psychologist believes strongly that music is a kind of intelligence, an aptitude like that for words or numbers, with which we’re simply born. By experimenting with brain damaged musicians, he’s been able to locate musical ability in the right frontal region of the brain.

When the waltz first came in, it was thought to be avant-garde and scandalous.

Why is music mathematical? Because, as Pythagoras of Samos discovered in the 5th century b.c., notes can be precisely measured along a vibrating string, and the intervals between notes expressed as ratios.

Two forms of organized sound – words (rational sounds for objects, emotions, and ideas) and music (nonrational sounds for feelings). As Deryck Cooke observes, “both awaken in the hearer an emotional response; the difference is that a word awakens both an emotional response and a comprehension of its meaning, whereas a note, having no meaning, awakens only an emotional response.”

Music seems to produce specific emotional states that all people share, and as a result, it allows us to communicate our most intimate emotions without having to talk or define them in a loose net of words. Our pupils dialate and our endorphin level rises when we sing.

Tingles usually start at the back of the neck, creep over the face and across the scalp, dart along the shoulders, trickle down the arms, and then finally shiver up the spine. Isn’t it odd that intense emotion or esthetic beauty gives us chills?

A chord is something like an idea, and idea to be heard, an idea for the ear, an audible idea, says Victor Zuckerkandl.

Polphony coincided with the building of the great Gothic cathedrals, and the birth of harmony with the culmination of the Renaissance and the beginning of modern science and mathematics: that is, two great changes in our understanding of space. The tones mark time.

The unstated warrant for the composer, as for the poet, is to stretch the limits of the form, to try to fly within the narrow corridors of a cage. That tension between bright prison of a form and the freedom of imagination is what artistic genius is all about.

Seventy percent of the body’s sense receptors cluster in the eyes.

Lovers want to do serious touching, and not be disturbed. So they close their eyes as if asking two cherished relatives to leave the room.

One place on the retina, where the optic nerve enters the brain, has no rods or cones at all and, as a result, does not perceive light. We refer to it as our blind spot.

Because the rods see no color, we don’t perceive color at night.

A hawk leans into nothingness, peeling a layer of flight from thin air.

The sky is the one visual constant in all our lives, a complex backdrop to our every venture, thought, and emotion.

Why is it so thrilling to see a tree hold pieces of sky in its branches, and hear waves crash against a rocky shore, blowing spray high into the air, as the seagulls creak?

Then, at the horizon, a tiny green ingot hovers for a second, and vanishes. The “green flash” people call it, with mystical solemnity. But it is the briefest flash of green, and this is the first time in all my sunset-watching that I’ve seen it. The last color that plows through the atmosphere without being scattered is green, so sometimes we see a green flash right after the sun disappears. In space, the air appears to be black because there is no dust to scatter the blue light.

The Milky Way – the “backbone of the night” the Bushmen of the Kalahari call it. To the Swedes, it is the “winter street” leading to heaven.

Two black shapes in the fog reel into focus as cows. A calf reveals itself. Learning about the world is like this – watching and waiting for shapes to reveal themselves in the fog of our experience.

Color doesn’t occur in the world, but in the mind.

In the Hall of Gems at the Museum of Natural History in New York I once stood in front of a huge piece of sulfur so yellow I began to cry.

Turns barbed wire into a string of stars…

Polar bears are not white, they’re clear. Their transparent fur doesn’t contain a white pigment, but the hair shafts house many tiny air bubbles, which scatter the sun’s white light, and we register the spectacle as white fur.

British peppered moth, which took only fifty years to change from a lackluster salt-and-pepper gray to nearly black, so that it could blend in with tree bark that had become stained by industrial pollution.

Few insects are as beautiful and the eye of the goldeneye lacewing, a background of black topped by a perfect six-pointed star, which shimmers blue at its tips, green as you move inward, then yellow, and finally red at the center. http://www.treknature.com/gallery/Middle_East/photo13107.htm

When we watch a movie, we’re actually watching a blank screen for about half the time.

Though he was known for cutting off his ear, Van Gogh also hit himself with a club, went to many church services each Sunday, slept on a board, had bizarre religious hallucinations, drank kerosene, and ate paint. Some researchers now feel that a few of his stylistic quirks (coronas around streetlamps for example) may not have been intentional distortions at all but the result of illness, or poisoning from the paint thinners and resins he used, which could have damaged his eyes so that he saw halo effects around light sources. His own doctor said of him, “Genius and lunacy are well known next-door neighbors.”

According to Trevor-Roper, there is a myopic personality that artists, mathematicians, and bookish people tend to share. They have an “interior life different from others,” a different personality, because only the close-up world is visually available to them. The imagery in their work tends to pivot around things that “can be viewed at a very close range,” and they’re more introverted.

Mark Twain once described a J.M Turner painting as “like a ginger cat having a fit in a bowl of tomatoes.”

That doesn’t explain genius, of course, which has so much to do with risk, anger, a blazing emotional furnace, a sense of esthetic decorum, a savage wistfulness, lidless curiosity, and many other qualities, including a willingness to be fully available to life, to pause over both its general patterns and its ravishing details.

About the tendancy towards a disturbed existence in artists, Merleau-Ponty says: “This work to be done called for this life.”

Like it or not, a woman’s face has always been to some extent a commodity.

College men, asked what they considered to be the ideal components in a woman’s face, and the results fed into a computer. It was discovered that their ideal woman had wide cheekbones, eyes set high and wide apart, a smallish nose, high eyebrows, a small net chin, and a smile that could fill half of the face. What this geometry boils down to is a portrait of an ideal mother – a young, healthy woman. A mother had to be fertile, healthy, and energetic to protect her young and continue to bear lots of children, many of whom might die in infancy. Men drawn to such women had a stronger chance of their genes surviving.

Thanks heaven for the arousing qualities of zest, intelligence, wit, curiosity, sweetness, passion, talent, and grace. Thank heavens that, though good looks may rally one’s attention, a lasting sense of a person’s beauty reveals itself in stages.

Beauty is always an exception, always in despite of. This is why it moves us. To some extent, Art is like trapping nature inside a paperweight. Suddenly a locale, or an abstract emotion, is viewable at one’s leisure, falls out of flux, can be rotated and considered from different vantage points, becomes as fixed and to that extent as holy as the landscape. As John Berger puts it, “All the languages of art have been developed as an attempt to transform the instantaneous into the permanent. Art is an organized response to what nature allows us to glimpse occasionally.”

Intense emotion is stressful and we look to artists to feel for us, to suffer and rejoice, to describe the heights of their passionate response to life so that we can enjoy them from a safe distance, and get to know better what the full range of human experience really is. We look to artists to stop time for us, to break the cycle of birth and death and temporarily put an end to life’s processes. It is too much of a whelm for any one person to face up to without going into sensory overload. Artists, on the other hand, court that intensity. We ask artists to fill our lives with a cavalcade of fresh sights and insights, the way life was for us when we were children and everything was new.

Why should a gem strike us as beautiful? A diamond acts like a bunched prism. Light entering a diamond ricochets around inside it, reflects from the back of it, and spreads out its colors more ebulliently than through an ordinary glass prism. A skilled diamond cutter enables light to streak along inside the stone’s many facets and shoot out of the jewel at angles. Turn the diamond in your hand, and you see one pure color followed by another.

Variety is the pledge that matter makes to living things.

The feeling of low-level wind shear in the heart we call loss.

The pen is the tongue of the mind. Miguel Cervantes, Don Quixote

For some people with synesthesia, that sensory blending never quits, and they taste baked beans whenever they hear the word “Francis,” as one woman reported, or see yellow on touching a matte surface, or smell the passage of time. The stimulation of one sense stimulates another.

If you wished to create instant synesthesia, a dose of mescaline or hashish would do nicely by exaggerating the neural connections between the senses.

Some of the most famous synesthetes have been artists. To Rimsi-Korsakov, C Major was white; to Scriabin it was red. A major was rosy, to Scriabin it was green. Both associated E major with blue.

Rimbaud claimed that the only way an artist can arrive at life’s truths is by experiencing “every form of love, of suffering, of madness,” to be prepared for by “a long immense planned disordering of all the senses.”

Great artists feel at home in the luminous spill of sensation, to which they add their own complex sensory Niagara.

Writers, we questers after the perfect word, the glorious phrase that will somehow make the exquisite avalance of consciousness sayable. We who live in mental barrios, where any roustabout idea may turn to honest labor, if only it gets the right incentive – a bit of drink, a light flogging, a delicate seduction.

Katherine Mansfield once said that it took “terrific hard gardening” to produce inspiration”; the hard gardening of knowing where and when and for how long and precisely in what way to walk, and then the will to go out and walk it as often as possible, even when one is tired or isn’t in the mood, or has only just walked it to no avail.

Artists are notorious for stampeding their senses into duty, and they’ve sometimes used remarkable tricks of synesthesia. The poet Schiller used to keep rotten apples under the lid of his desk and would inhale their pungent bouquet when he needed to find the right word. Victor Hugo, Benjamin Franklin and many others felt that they did their best work is they wrote in the nude. D.H. Lawrence once even confessed that he liked to climb naked up mulberry trees – a fetish of long limbs and rough bark that stimulate his thoughts. Colette used to being her day’s writing by first picking fleas from her cat. Alexander Dumas wrote his nonfiction on rose colored paper, his fiction on blue, and his poetry on yellow. George Sand went directly from lovemaking to her writing desk, much piquing her lover Alfred de Musset. Voltaire used his lover’s naked back as a writing desk. Robert Louis Stevenson, Mark Twin, and Truman Capote all used to lie down when they wrote, with Capote going so far as to declare himself a “completely horizontal writer.”

A.E. Houseman, when asked to define poetry, had the good sense to say, “I could no more define poetry than a terrier can a rat, but I thought we both recognized the object by the symptoms which it provokes in us…If I were obliged to name the class of things to which it belongs, I should call it a secretion.”

Steven Spender says in his essay, “The Making of a Poem”: There is always a slight tendency of the body to sabotage the attention of the mind by providing some distraction…the concentrated effort of writing poetry is a spiritual activity which makes one completely forget, for the time being, that one has a body and mind and for this reason one needs a kind of anchor of sensation with the physical world.”

I have a pine plank that I lay across the sides of the tub so that I can stay in a bubble bath for hours and write. In the bath, the water displaces much of your weight and you feel light, your blood pressure drops. When the water temperature and the body temperature converge, my mind lifts free and travels by itself.

Many writers I know become fixated on a single piece of music when they are writing a book, and play the same piece of music perhaps a thousand times in the course of a year. Every time the music plays, it recreates the emotional terrain the writer knows the book to live in.

The poets May Swenson and Howard Nemerov both told me that they like to sit for a short spell each day and copy down whatever pours through their heads from “The Great Dictator” ad Neverov labels it, then plow through to see what gems may lie hidden in the rock.

My muse is male, has the radiant silvery complexion of the moon, and never speaks to me directly.

Molecules are always moving. The book in front of you is actually squirming beneath your fingertips.

Men’s testosterone levels jump when a new woman enters the room. Same is true for women and their hormones when a new man enters the room.

There is nothing like the thrill of being new for someone.

Robert Louis Stevenson – “For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.”

Monday, January 5, 2009

20 Things People May Not Know About Me (Note: some blatant name dropping ahead)

1. In 5th grade, I convinced a friend that I could communicate with dogs and would teach her if she gave me her candy necklace.

2. I am discreetly tattooed.


3. I kissed Mickey Dolenz on the cheek.

4. Due to a petrifying fear of needles, as a child I used to have my teeth drilled and filled without novacaine.


5. I saw a UFO when I was 13.


6. I had lightning strike the ground about 30 feet in front of me. I have no recollection of this, but my mother tells a hearty tale about it.


7. I have communicated with a dead relative. (Actually, it was two grandmothers, two uncles, and a cousin).


8. I have had a country music singer change his clothes in my office.


9. I have watched a very big tornado thunder its way past my office on its way downtown.


10. I was Jimmy Buffet's travel agent back in the day.


11. I had a dream that Bobby Kennedy was shot the night before he was shot.


12. I have performed as "an obese stripper who discovers a tumor in her abdomen."


13. I work in the hospital where I was born. I am not proud of this.


14. Other than the two years I spent in college, I have never been without a cat.

15. I don't recall ever having been kissed under mistletoe.

16. I was given a special gift by David Lee, creator/writer/director of Cheers and Frasier. (Details in an upcoming post)

17. I once hung a toilet seat on the arm of a statue. It was funny at the time.

18. I have square danced. I loved it.

19. I have played Scrabble with Linda Hamilton. She won, but I could have taken her.

20. I can write backwards, mirror style, in cursive.

*****

Quote of the day : …it was a minitrend of the times, a trendette, a trendoid. Willett - Winner of the National Book Award.
Chosen because it made me laugh!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Photograph Memories


I know what you're thinking. Great. A pre-teen girl's blatherings about growing up, about tottering on the precipice of adulthood. Nope. Pay no attention to the girl in white who clearly doesn't want to be in this photo. No, what I want you to focus on is that large pile of hay you see behind me. That hay was for a time a fort, a hideaway, a tunneled wonder for all Skyline kids for about 2 weeks. (The time frame could very well be off, muddied as it is by a memory embellished by the joy of the time) It could be a few days, it could have been a month.

The street was getting new sewers put in, and all the hay was piled in tall, stiff bales in the vacant lot beside our house. The first few days were spent climbing, jumping off, playing king of the hill. As the bales were used, the pile got a little lower and more spread out. Not able to withstand the constant barrage of youthful exuberance, the bales began to lose much, but not all of their rectangular structure, creating a sort of loose, yet sturdy environment, perfect for tunneling through, but maintaining some sort of walls underneath. In a few days, with many kids participating (again, memory may be exaggerating for effect) there was an "underground" tunnel system that went all over the vacant lot and I'm not sure if any parents knew about it. It was the most perfect plaything. Dozens of kids on their hands and knees, scooting around inside, going this way and that, giggling at the secrecy of it, the glee that bubbles up when kids have their own "place" away from home. I can remember the smell of it to this day, the dry, almost musty smell of hay, the tickle of the hay dust in your nostrils. One small drawback was the itchy skin you felt after emerging from its shadowed, spiky hallways, but that was fleeting and soon you were back at it. What a great memory - and whenever two or more Skyline kids get together now, the massive Hay Tunnel is recognized as one of the integral chapters in the 1960's neighborhood lore. We never fail to talk about it.

Of course, all good things come to an end. I remember a few good rains which turned the pleasant, dry smell into a mildewy, rancid odor that sucked most of the joy out of the experience. Also, as the construction crew continued to use the hay on their sewer project, the pile grew small enough to eventually cave in on itself, revealing the rats maze of tunnels beneath the straw "roof." I wish I could have eavesdropped on the worker's conversations when they discovered why their nice, neat hay stacks had deteriorated into mounds of unrecognizable yellow straw mounds. I'm willing to bet they cursed us kids for turning their work site into a wonderland of play, imagination and architectural ingenuity. It was a thing of beauty. I think I want to believe they were good hearted guys who knew a good playground when they saw it and just looked the other way.

As the pile grew lower and lower, a little lower and smaller than what's pictured here, the only thing left was to climb up on a small tank on the site, about 8 feet high, and jump into the soft, warm piles. That hay provided what I'd like to recall as weeks of total joy for our neighborhood, and as far as I have been able to find, this is the only surviving photo of it. I just happened to be photographed going to my first confirmation at church and luckily, mom chose the vacant lot as backdrop. Unaware viewers might scoff at the unfortunate "mess" behind me, and crop it out to bring the girl in white in proper focus. But let me tell you, the magic of the photo, to any Skyline kid who sees it, is the delicious invitation of the hay pile beyond.

ps. I'm trying to figure out if that small black hole like thing could possibly be one of the entrances. But the hay pile looks too messy at this point to sustain tunnels. I may ask my brother.

Edited to add comments from my brother: That was indeed an entrance, I believe, and perhaps to right and a little above was another. At this point all the tunnels had collapsed inward. The tunnels were initially made (as I recall) when everything was still in bales and you could use the bales like bricks. We'd haul them out and restack them accordingly. We made a large room or two (as I recall) .... at least they were large to us at our age.... and this required pulling a bunch of bales out and then restacking. It was way cool and, no, I don't think the workers would have been pleased....resigned perhaps.

***
Quote of the day: At ten she had the breasts of a plump man. You could tell they wanted to be real breasts and would become real breasts if given half a chance. Mine were just pink disks stuck on a bony little chest with no promise or inclination to become anything more. They looked like the suction cups of two toy arrows. Willet - Winner of the National Book Award.
Chosen because how wonderful is this? Show of hands...who can picture this perfectly...the breasts of a plump man compared to her suction cup breasts. Love it.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Eleven Things I Like That I Can Do

1. I like my knack for putting total strangers at ease, for creating a warm, welcoming atmosphere that people seem to trust right off the bat. I've been told repeatedly that I have the gift of a calm, open, and well-balanced personality and I think it's true. I have my darker moments, but this is something that I like about myself.

2. I've always had a natural talent for sports. Perhaps it was the tomboy gene that I got in spades, but no matter what sport I tried, I could always do it very well. I could hit a baseball, throw a pretty good spiral pass, run like the wind, swim like a fish with nary a lesson, do a decent one and a half of the high board at age 10, hit a mean ping-pong game, get right up on my first water-ski attempt, ice skate, roller skate, etc. All sport transported me into another world of sweat, exertion, accomplishment, and the joy of competition. I miss it, but the only thing that really appeals to me now would be tennis, which I miss horribly. Wrist horrors now prevent that. If I lost some weight, and got my breath back, I'm sure that if I attempted a new sport, even at 54, I could do well.

3. I like that I learned to french braid hair. I think it looks pretty and it brought me many fun hours with my daughter as she grew up, using it as an excuse for her to sit with me and allow me to play in her hair while she watched tv.

4. I will always be grateful that I took typing in school. Who knew that it would come in so handy in an undreamed of then, computer age. So many friends and colleagues hear me click-clacking away at work and moan that they wish they'd had the forethought to learn it when they could. I like that I know how to do it.

5. Learning to drive a stickshift is one of life's great pleasures. Before I could do it, I used to have many dreams where I was speeding down a long, straight highway, feeling that deeply satisfying answer from the engine as it is finally allowed to shift into third, then, aaaaaah fourth. I couldn't wait to learn, if only to feel that "aaaaah" of the engine as it relaxes from the scream at the top of third to the purr of fourth. I learned stick from my dad using my first car, a 1972 Chevy Nova with the stick in the steering column and a clutch about 2 miles from the floorboard that I had to practically stand on to operate. We went to a parking lot behind the Kinnard's building on 21st and Blair, practicing parking, shifting, and the dreaded uphill start. To this day, it is one of my favorite skills I possess and I think all people should know how to drive a stick shift. I hate owning an automatic car.

6. Apparently, I possess what's known as relative pitch, which means I think music would have come easy to me if I had stuck with some sort of lessons. I've always heard the right notes in my head and can find them on the piano, or can recreate a note if you played it hours before. I can hear it and be right on pitch. But I think my hearing loss has affected this because I notice now, when I sing along to stuff, I tend to be a bit off, flat I think, which makes me sad. Still, it's always something I enjoyed about myself.

7. I can make a mean soup, pretty much any description. I think I cook well in general. One of the best days I can have is to hole up in my kitchen on a rainy day, put on a book on tape, and cook all day, whipping up one recipe after another and freezing it in portions for future lunches or dinners. Add a glass of wine, and that's a perfect way to spend the day. I think I have good instincts about what's tasty food-wise. Except for boiled eggs, cilantro, beets, or liver. Those you can have.

8. Unfortunately, this doesn't apply now, but I was always thrilled that I could make my dad laugh. I made him laugh his whole life and he was always my best audience. I enjoy making other people laugh and am witty and quick (most of the time) but he was the one, and probably still is in my head, who I perform for. He had this deep chuckle that gently percussioned out of him like a timpani roll, and then I knew I had him.

9. I have an independent streak that, depending on who you talk to, has proven to be a life-saver time and time again. "Let me do it" has been a refrain of mine since childhood and my mother will tell many stories of my stubborn refusal to allow anyone to help me. "I want to do it myself" while trying for those who love me, has given me a lifetime of small triumphs. I know I'll never climb Everest or read every book I want, but I do like that I rely on myself to do what needs to be done to survive. More and more help is allowed now, particularly as I age, but my desire not to rely on others, or bother others, or to appear weak, or whatever any hidden motives might be, has brought me many hours of inner satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.

10. I send out yearly Christmas cards. It makes me happy. I know I should spare the trees used to scratch this itch, but I am stubbornly hanging on to this tradition. People need to feel a little paper "hug" each year, even if I haven't seen them for years. I want them to know I think of them and want to at least check in. Emails just don't carry the same feeling for me. Just like reading books uses up trees too, I could just never read books on the computer. I have to feel the heft of the book in my hand, I have to turn the page, I have to write notes in the margins. (I know - gasp. I'm one of those.) The cards give me pleasure as I think what to write to each person in my own hand, addressing the envelope, putting them in the mailbox sending them on their way. I like that I do this.

11. I created and protect family traditions for my children as they grew up and it has made all the difference. They are 30 and 27 now and still want the traditions practiced as if they were back in their footed pajamas days. I know beyond a doubt that it cements us as a family to this day, and to see the traditions I started being carried on to my grandchild makes me happier than I can say. I am surprised at how many parents don't do traditions of any sort in their families and it always made me feel like a good parent for making sure they were an integral part of my children's experience.

*****
Quote of the day: Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Author unknown.
Chosen because I need this as a daily reminder and it helps.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Eleven Things I Wish I Could Do

1. No matter what I do, I have never gotten my laundry to have that wonderful laundry "smell." My clothes don't smell bad, they just have no smell at all when they come out of the dryer. I want the "smell." I have tried everything. I've thrown in 5 dryer sheets. I've used different detergent. I am flummoxed and all laundry commercials where family members smell the towels and make "aaahh" faces frustrate me.

2. I have never successfully fried chicken in my life. It either comes out too cooked, or not cooked enough; or if it's cooked, then it's not crispy. I've tried all tried and true, never failed before recipes handed down by many a grandmother, but alas. Fried chicken is beyond my culinary skill.

3. I cannot sing in choruses, even if I'm singing along with a CD in the car. I cry. Everytime. Something about singing in a group, hearing all the different parts coming together to form this wonderful harmonious fullness in my ears...I choke up everytime. The other night I was listening to Garrison Keiller lead his audience in a singalong of Silent Night. Just an impromptu, acapella singalong with hundreds of voices joining in. The combination of a group of people coming together in a shared goal, a beautiful haunting melody, and the quiet stillness of my evening sealed it. I was a goner before I made it to "round yon virgin..." But I'd love to be able to be a part of a large chorus, to create such a thing of beauty as to generate tears.

4. I wish I could play the piano well enough to entertain myself for an hour at a time like my dad could. Just sit and roll through Claire de Lune, or Joplin.

5. I wish I could play a decent set of tennis again. Since my wrist surgery a few years ago, all that's left me is Wii Tennis, which while satisfying in the sense that I get to hit shots that I rarely made as frequently in real life, I miss the solidity of the sweet spot, the oomph I felt in my stomach when I nailed a particularly sizzling backhand crosscourt.

6. I wish I could find a hairstyle that didn't leave me sighing everytime I pass a mirror. I've tried perms, straight, long, short, colored, uncolored. I simply have never really been satisfied and I'm not sure why. I'm not a bad looking sort. It's not like I need a bag over my head. But just once, I'd like to get an amazing cut and just go WOW, that's IT!

7. I wish I could do a series of back handsprings, like a gymnast. I thought that just looked like it would be so cool to be able to do. In the same vein, I always wanted to do that turn thing that dancers do, when they spot themselves and as they turn, their head flips around quick as a wink, around and around they twirl, with their head always catching up as it finds it focal point.

8. I wish I could dance; better yet, I wish I could let myself go and dance. I realized a long time ago, after taking a psychology profile as part of a Vanderbilt trial I did for money, that I am a controlled person. I don't control other's environments, but I apparently am in strict control of my internal environment. At first, when I heard them tell me this, I laughed and denied it emphatically. Me? Controlled? Ha! Well, after stewing and chewing on it for weeks, I had to admit that so many things just fell into place after that. Oh, so THAT'S why I don't dance.. That's why I can't let go in so many situations. I've never, ever been one to make noise, draw attention to myself, put myself out there for review, at least not that I could help. Control my environment - that's what keeps me feeling safe, but also boring and uninteresting. I'm a big snore with feet.

9. I wish I could reach the ceiling fan in my living room. It's up at the top of a vaulted ceiling and there's no hope, even with a ladder, of my reaching it to change the direction of air flow from season to season. This annoys me. Also, it will be a bitch to clean the blades. So I am going to pretend they will never need it.

10. I wish I could pick up my current house that I love, and magically relocate it to some small plot of land that is planted within an inch of its life with large, old trees. I miss my trees. I miss the birdsong that come with trees. I put up two pitiful little feeders outside my screened porch, but it's just not the same. I miss the lazy, breezy feeling of shade in summer. I want to feel like I live inside a park.

11. I wish I could remember my childhood in greater detail. I had an amazing family and grew up safe, secure, happy, and well loved. But so many memories are gone. I probably only remember the high points, and most of those are photograph-inspired by now. I can't remember "eight" for example, or eleven. What was I like? What did I do each day? What did I think about? I sometimes think about going to a hypnotist just to see what can be stirred up.

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Quote of the day: He thought like he danced, flailing rather more than was necessary and not accomplishing much. But he was genuine and passionate. - Vance - The Monk Downstairs.
Chosen because ohdeargod, this is how I feel about myself so much of the time. I think it's kind of endearing.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

One Sill A Bull

Write something in one syllable words starting with "The bull..."

The bull stares, and his eyes shoot back and forth from the rope I hold in my hands, to my face, stern with the job I loathe, but must be done. Toad (don't ask where his name comes from. It's to do with his horns is all I know) was sold last week to a man with red cheeks and white hair whose prize bull died from mad cow and it is my job to see that Toad gets on the truck with truck and me still in one piece.

Toad backs up and drops his head as I start my long walk. My rope is in full swing as it keeps time with the swish of Toad's tail, each with the fear of what is to come. "Come boy," I soothed with a calm I did not feel. "Let's try this nice and slow." Toad still kept his eyes on me and showed no signs of ease, of calm, of he did not want to kill me. I was new to the ranch and so Toad and I had not had time to be friends. This did not bode well for all. "Tooooad" I coaxed. "This old rope is for show. Don't you mind it at all." Quick as a wink, Toad seemed to perk up, head raised, ears straight, and I thought I must be good at this bull stuff. The bull walked to me and I stepped back to let him pass. He gave no thought to me at all as he made his way to the truck. I turned to watch, proud of my man skills, which was when I saw why Toad had loped past me with no huff or puff. The white haired man, Jack Daws, an old hand at bulls, knew the best way to coax one where you want him to go was to use a girl. There, by the truck, was a cow in full heat, the smell of sex strong to Toad in the warm ranch air. He felt the pull of it and had to check it out. The rope hung still in my hands as the Toad made his way to Daws and his new home. I learned a thing or two that day. Sex beats the rope. Hands down.

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Quote of the day: There was Kato, his dear hands folded on his chest, his fingers twitching almost imperceptibly in his sleep, like a dog dreaming of Schubert. Patchett - Bel Canto.
Chosen because of the wonderful simile. Just gorgeous.