Perhaps these well meant concerns stem from an earlier age where unmarried women faced a bleak future of, at the worst, poverty and the very least derision and ostracism - a social firing squad. I'm not totally educated in the reasons behind historical mores and behaviors towards women; I'm admittedly more guided by movies and literature regarding earlier cultural societies, information which could be easily embellished or altered for dramatic license. However, my weak education on the matter aside, it does seems to me that a woman who found herself alone at any stage in her life was always viewed to have qualities which made her predatory, innately damaged, physically and sexually undesirable, or the old standby, a bitch. There simply must be some internal defect which accounts for the fact that she can't or won't attract or keep a man.
Fortunately for me, a) I'm too independent to care about outside judgements that might force me into disastrous romances in search of personal or social validation and b) I live in an age where single women face these kinds of judgements less and less. For both I am overwhelmingly grateful. That's not to say I don't experience the common expressions of concern, "why are you still single? You're too picky." You aren't putting yourself out there...." I hear these comments frequently from loved ones who insist I need to find a relationship in order to REALLY be happy. I know they say it out of love and concern, but I don't know how to tell them I'm actually happy and content without coming off sounding defensive, apologetic, or unwilling to face truths only they see.
When a long term, deeply loving relationship ended, I turned to books to try to help me understand all the things I was going through and in the course of reading, I came across a number of passages that encouraged me, that I recognized in myself and that, gee, maybe I wasn't alone afterall in my need for independence of spirit. I'm going to add them here - they are taken from a book called The Improvised Woman by Marcelle Clements, who interviewed many, many women on how they view their single life. These separate comments spoke either to my personal experience or my philosophies in general.
I asked someone recently, "Do you think I give the message to men that I'm not available? Do I turn them away somehow?" He said, "Well, I think that you're intimidating to men." I said, "Why?" And he said something about how I always say what I want to say. I can't be with someone I have to watch my mouth with. Not be me. I can never...it always ends up leaking out of me sideways.
How is it that solitude doesn't feel to me to be a punishment, an unfortunate fate I had to resign myself to? I still haven't gotten used to the surprisingly pure pleasure of living alone. On occasion, my very ease in this kind of life feels worrisome to me. And, of course, sometimes I feel lonely. But whenI try to decide whether or not I wish it to be an interim solution or a permanent one, I find myself loathe to give up the romance of independence.
It's not that there aren't any men, it's that there are no men she wants to want, or who would want her in the way she wants to be wanted. "There is no men" then, is less about men than it is about women. It's not really about looking for a husband or a lover, it's about not having found a role as a wife or as a lover that makes sufficient sense on a long-term basis.
It's not the men, it's the roles that are hopeless.
Still, I know I want someone's heart. I want to share my heart with someone. I don't need it all day, the way these wives do, but I want to have that sometimes. A friend who is a lover, not a lover who is a friend.
When I think about remarrying, it's terrorizing to think I would be giving up my independence. That's become more important to me than almost anything else. I just really do love not having to get somebody's permission.
I really, really hated having anybody tell me, "it's time to go to bed."
"Sleeping alone is one of the things I love" more than one woman said. Their intimacy with solitude is precisely what my predispose them not to enter into new relationships. They remember the opposite discomfort and what it's like to lie in bed next to someone when there are problems, "especially if you wish you were somewhere else, or when you're angry, or when you're restless and would rather get up and tinker around the house."
I love being single. It's almost like being rich. Sue Grafton
One day I hope to love and be loved again. It's a glorious way to spend one's time and energies and I don't PREFER one life over the other. But I do know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that whether I do, or I don't, I will be fine either way. And this gives me great comfort.
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